Can I share a story with you?
I have a bromance. For the past 3 1/2 weeks, my bromance has been talking non-stop about his Keto dieting. “Have you heard of Keto?” he asked.
No. I hadn’t heard of Keto. The idea of following some “fad diet” repulsed me. I was always more of the “count your calories and exercise” kind of person. Knowing this to be true, he talked about how he can eat things like sour cream, eggs, steak, bacon. Wait. Bacon? On a diet? I was reminded of this picture I once saw on Facebook.
Alright. Cool. A diet where you can eat bacon. I could do that. I mean, if I was a dieting kind of person, that is.
Fast forward three weeks.
My buddy is down from 270 lbs. to 252 lbs. in just over three weeks. He’s my bromance, so of course I’m pumped for him. Over those three weeks he’s verbally assaulted me with Keto, as he immersed himself in the science, literature, and all that craziness. Being the good bromance I am, and a curious-natured person, I ask him a ton of questions over that period. Secretly, I was intrigued.
I stepped on the scale last week and instantly become dissatisfied. To be honest, I wasn’t surprised. I saw the signs but refused to acknowledge them, because denial and Honey Chex are easier. My diet was loaded with carbs. I wasn’t counting calories. Four nights a week (or more) I was eating two bowls of Honey Chex right before bed. I was averaging 4-5 hours of sleep each night. Yet, I was still in denial about my health because “I’m not middle aged yet” and “I still have a good metabolism.” Reality check. I don’t have a teenage digestive system anymore, my stomach was getting bigger, and my pants weren’t fitting.
Right then I decided. I need to lose some weight and cure my sugar addiction. Overall, I need to be healthier and feel better. I’m going to try this Keto thing.
Naturally, I ask my bromance to be my Keto Coach. He’s my bromance, so of course he agrees. I mean, he doesn’t really have a choice. I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bro Code or something. Plus, the dude has immersed himself in Keto so much he’s telling me all sorts of food science stuff and it’s taken over our normal conversations about work and life.
How it all started
I was planning on starting Keto yesterday. Instead, I’m on my way back from a softball doubleheader on Monday when I decide to start that night. I dash into the Super Target, call him up, and bombard him with food questions as I walk through the food section of Target. Even the college students passing by were looking at me with pity as I explained to the bromance that I don’t really know how to cook. You know you’re in bad shape when the Kings and Queens of Ramen noodles are judging you.
I also learned that heavy whipping cream isn’t just for grandma’s pie — it’s great for pansies like me who can’t drink coffee black. I couldn’t find pecans and I’m not into almonds. Their nut assortment was lackluster and not Keto-friendly, so I chose to get those later. He also recommended coconut oil or MCT oil. I elected for the MCT oil later as well. Go hard or go home, right?
After an hour, and several dozen food questions, I walk out of target with $54.11 of Keto food — enough to last me a week or more. Overall it was a successful haul.
I rush home, excited to consume my first Keto meal consisting mostly of eggs, sausage, cheese, cream cheese, and a delicious, organic chipotle mayonnaise. Somehow, for the first time in my life, I managed to break an egg onto the stove burner instead of into the frying pan. Don’t ask me how. I have no idea. Yolk and all started cooking sunny-side up on the stove itself.
In my first 24 hours I noted the extremely challenging cravings for carbs, after which my Keto Coach said something like “I said you can eat bacon. I never said the diet was easy.”
Touche. Also, you’re an asshole. But let’s be honest, that’s exactly what I need. A supportive encouraging coach (and friend) who can call me out when I need a no-bullshit reality check.
I’m 48 hours into Keto, though as I mentioned before I’ve been verbally assaulted with Keto for the past 3 weeks, thus, I’ve had a head-start at asking a bunch of crazy questions. The temptations are REAL. Honey Chex was calling my name from the cabinet yesterday. (Note: don’t put your Keto food next to your craving. In fact, throw away your craving food.) For me, it’s been hard to peel away from oatmeal, cereal, and hand-made, authentic tortillas from my favorite Mexican joint. (I’ll miss you, El Maguey. I’ll come back at some point, Maria. I promise.) Someone gave me an Andes mint today and, without thinking I started eating it. Actually, I was thinking, “OMG I love these things!” Halfway through chewing it I realized what I was doing and spit it out into some facial tissue. I had already managed to swallow half of it, so I logged 1/2 of an Andes mint in MyFitnessPal today. (You can do that!? Yes. Apparently you can.)
Shoutout to fellow Keto peeps Ellen L. and Gillian D. for encouraging me to blog my Keto journey, Heidi L. for sharing my love for El Maguey, Bethany H., Jaime L., and Amanda M. for showing me I’m not the only one that’s severely screwed up cracking an egg, and everyone in the Keto for Beginners Facebook group for their encouragement. And of course, to my bromance and Keto Coach, Jeremiah T.